It's Not Why Time

A while back a friend and I were chatting about a theory she had heard. The idea was that everybody has a primary question (who, what, when, where, why, or how) that informs the way in which they interpret the world. Immediately I knew that my question is undoubtedly why. It started early for me. In my childhood it was so incessant that my grandfather invented something called “why time.” As in, “it’s not why time right now!” I’m sure this was in response to the inevitable merry-go-round of questioning that comes from an inquisitive four year old. Behind every reason there’s always another question as to why that reason is true.

As I have grown older I have learned to (begrudgingly) accept that sometimes there is no good answer to that pesky question. This truth has been painfully apparent this last week as I’ve watched the horrific aftermath of the earthquake unfold in Haiti. Of course, there are scientific explanations for earthquakes and sociopolitical reasons that help explain the magnitude of the devastation. These really aren’t satisfying, though, because they don’t truly get at the BIG whys. Why them and not me? Why did those babies have to die? Why do I get to sleep in a warm bed with plenty to eat, while the Haitians wander their former streets homeless and hungry?

The fact is there are no real answers to these questions. All possible explanations that we can grasp with the human mind fall severely short. More dangerously, these “answers” lead us into false attribution of blame or merit. We run the risk of falling into the trap of thinking that good things happen to those who do good and bad things happen to those who have done wrong. The truth is, though, “Time and chance happen to us all.” (Eccl. 9:11)

So, even as I struggle with the desire to know why, I’m trying to change my question to something more appropriate and productive. I’m asking, “what would I want someone to do if I was affected by this crisis?” and “how can I help alleviate the suffering of the Haitians?” There are concrete answers to these questions, and they are the only answers that matter to our suffering neighbors.

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Who's the Boss?

Recently I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the illusion of being in control. For some reason I’ve had several conversations in the last week about this topic, and that’s set my wheels turning. Being pregnant also seems to be a constant reminder that I am no longer “in control” of my body. Just today I tried to walk up a hill and got so dizzy I had to stop three times, all the while making me more frustrated. Good grief! I should be able to walk up a hill without stopping. But…apparently that wasn’t in the cards, and really what was I accomplishing by getting annoyed. Who suffered? Only me. It didn’t change the reality.

It seems to me that a lot of our struggles and angst in this life are based in the fight for control. We’re fighting others, fighting our flaws, fighting nature and fighting the unknown. We try lots of different methods. Some of us drive ourselves crazy with worry over every single imaginable outcome in the hope that if we prepare ourselves then everything will be OK. Others try to manipulate and argue our way into what we think is “the way.” Some of us withdraw, thinking the less others are in our lives the more control we can retain.

Honestly, it’s a losing battle. None of these methods are fully effective. They exhaust us. They alienate us from others. They leave us feeling angry and let down because we’ve failed to perform the impossible task. It’s no way to live. We can never truly be fully in control. That would require the ability to transcend time and space. To read minds. You would need a flux capacitor for sure, and I bet x-ray vision wouldn’t hurt. Plus, I doubt it would be a very fun existence.

What are we to do then? Stick our heads in the sand and assume someone else is responsible for our lives? That’s no way to live either. I think we’ve got to find a new metaphor. Maybe we need to focus less on dictating every step along the path and more on successfully navigating the journey toward the intended destination. We can spend our lives clawing at road blocks, or we can just accept that we need to find a different way.

This year, I’m want to spend more time focused on living a life rooted in my values in a constantly changing world and less time focused on the perception of how exactly I accomplish that. I’m going to try for less bulldozing and more careful steering.